I didn’t think I could be confident without alcohol, it was one of the main reasons I tried so hard to keep it in my life. But as I took control of my drinking and my mental health, finances, relationships and ability to deal with life in general increased, I found that my confidence did too.
Don’t get me wrong, when I was eight pints deep I was the most confident man on the planet. I would have no qualms about dancing on tables, putting on an impromptu concert, or bearing my soul to complete strangers. Anything. But without a drink, I was becoming increasingly anxious and withdrawn, and would struggle to look people in the eye. When I wasn’t actually drunk, I wanted to be invisible.
“Whilst I thought booze was giving me confidence, it was actually stealing it from me as I became more and more reliant on it.”
If I was meeting you in a bar, I would wait outside until you got there, then go in with you. If we had to book a taxi to go somewhere, I wanted you to phone for it as I was too shy to speak on the phone. If the kitchen at work was busy, I would wait until it was empty rather than go in and chat to people. I would sneak past with my head down and hope not to be noticed. I was making myself as small as possible. I wanted to be invisible.
Since taking away my crutch, and realising that I could not only cope, but thrive without it, I have built up real confidence. That inner self-assuredness that sticks around when the drink has left. I would never have believed it, but I now feel more confident without booze than I ever did with it. I can even phone my own taxis.
As my self-confidence improved, my self-respect wasn’t far behind. When I was drinking, and especially when I was stuck on the failed moderation loop, I had a very low opinion of myself.
My lack of self-respect meant I was heavily reliant on what others thought about me. I needed external validation. If I met you, I would be in my head wondering what you thought about me. I would jump through hoops seeking your validation.
“I used to quip that after a few drinks I could spend time with and get on with even the most dull/annoying/bad people. Why did I want to?”
Now when I meet people, I ask myself some pretty basic questions which I imagine normal people run through as a given. Do I think this is a good person? How do they make me feel? Are they interesting? Nice? Is this someone I want to spend my time with?
I held up the same lens to the places I went to and the activities I took part in. Old me went to anything I could drink at. A guy from the office who I’ve never spoken to is having a leaving party? Don’t want to miss that. Drinks in a dingy pub with no windows as it’s the closest place that serves booze? Sign me up for eight hours getting shit-faced in the darkness.
Now I’m much more discerning about who, what and where I spend my time. How will this make me feel? Is it worth it? Having the self-respect to ask these basic questions, means I avoid being at events, or with people that I need to drink to make interesting or bearable.
I have the confidence and self-respect needed to take some responsibility for my own happiness, rather than relying on others or copious amounts of booze to make me feel good.
So whether you are choosing to stop forever, trying Dry January, or considering the 99% sober approach, it’s worth giving it a go. Your more confident, happier future self will thank you.
Patrick@99percentsober.com
Instagram @99percentsober
